trainwreck.

my head is pounding. i am worried. i'm scared i am upsetting her. i am scared i don't know her as well as i should. i am worried because she doesn't talk to me as much as she should. she doesn't answer me when i ask questions. i feel like she doesn't speak to me almost at all. she says she has no self-esteem. i don't understand but i want to. that's all.

Abigail, and poverty.

i spent the weekend with Abigail at her house. i was nervous about the whole situation, mainly because her parents are far diferent from mine and i thought it would be a source of conflict. i'm accustomed to parents that prety much let me do whatever i want and recognize that i am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. her's aren't quite like that, but we still managed to have a fun and peaceful weekend, and her parents still like me.

on a completely different note, yesterday i realized i have about $150 to my name. i'm trying to void an on campus job because of the time required to spend studying for my major, but i'm pretty sure i'm going to need one. i just don't know where to look. i'm planning on going back to simmon's over the break, but i don't even make minumum wage there so i'm not really excited about working long hours there.

i'm not sure how i'm going to pay for next semester at WCU. i don't have another two-and-a-half grand to throw down from my job. i am trying to sell a lot of guitar and possibly drum equipment. i may sell my half stack and i'm planning to sell the pa, i'm not sure what else i can sell, but i'll probably end up doing it. i have a few more amps sitting around, maybe i'll sell my stereo, some clothes.. i'll find things. either way i think i'm going to have to back out of the canada trip, wihich pisses me off, but whatever, it's life and i can't afford to take that many days off. on that note i retire to my cup of tea.

lacking depth.

right now i feel like i am lacking depth in my relationships with my friends at school. maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that i am still getting to know everybody, or don't know them as well as i have known other friends in the past. i have depth with abby, but that is a different kind of depth.

i noticed it today after we saw a speaker from Oaxaca, Mexico who was talking about the immense poverty and the government's unwillingness to help and tied it into immegration and free trade agreements. We went out for coffee immediately afterward with intentions (so i thought) to discuss the presentation. i opened the discussion and talked for a while about my feelings on the subject... and then... we talked about something else. not about how we could make a difference or about what should or could be done, but something completely unrelated. maybe it is just that i miss the kind of dialogue i used to have with Dave and Kendra, who have both made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with my life.

maybe i just miss the relationship where we can entertain the idea that a few highly motivated individuals can in fact change the world. i believe that. just look at how CEO's of companies like McDonald's, Abercrombie & Fitch, and A&M records have done to what the general population eats, wears and listens to. it's actually quite disgusting. one day i want to change the world, even in a small way, it would be satisfying for me to know that i made a difference. perhaps i just crave substance in my life. i should write a book or something. i probably will someday.

If i did write a book, i wonder if anyone would read it.

I'm a Fake.

Abby told me about how wonderful of a person i was just a few minutes ago, and i disagreed. She said something again similar to that and attatched "i wish you believed me" and i would but the truth is i know better. i am just a kid trying really hard to be something that i am not. i'm not a super-hero, i'm not even a very nice guy, i don't like everybody, and i am not a very good student; i'm impatient and afraid and insecure and angry and trying to hide it from everyone including myself. the truth is i'm a total fake. and i am afraid i won't be able to hide it from her forever. i love her dearly, i really do. i don't want her to have to realize the kind of person i am after she is so in love with the person she thinks i am. i need to go to sleep.

calculus

i dropped my calc class yesterday. i feel terrible about it. i feel that i have failed. i may have passed the class but i know i would have never been satisfied with the grade i recieved so i dropped it. i can never satisfy myself, i never work as hard as i know i can, or do as well as i know i can. i feel like a failure. i am a slacker, and i am the only motivation i have, which makes everything tougher.

before i found out i had to drop my calc class i climbed a rock wall. i picked the "hard" side, there were about 6 of us on that side, and a couple of guys got a few feet up and said it was too slippery so i decided i wanted to try. i justed on the wall and started racing upward. about half way up the 50-60 foot wall i started hyperventalating. i was in the corner so nobody could really see me. it took me a minute or two to calm down and i climbed the rest of the way. i was the first to make it. i could have climbed higher.

sometimes i wonder if this is what i am really supposed to be doing with my life. i have been praying a lot about it, and this dropped calculus course seems like God's trying to tell me something. i don't know what to do. if i wasn't planning on becoming a doctor i don't know what i would do. i can't think of anything more meaningful to do with my life than to move to africa and start a children's clinic there, but i need to work hard and do well in school if i ever plan on getting that far. right now i am failing miserably, in terms of calculus anyway.

errr...

i am waiting for the greatest tea in he world to steep so i can drink it and go to class. i feel awful because i turned my alarm off before abby woke up this morning and she left for class twenty minutes late. and she said she had a mid-term in the class today.

yesterday i was feeling depressed. i didn't do as well as i would have liked on my calc test, and i think that had something to do with it. sometimes i feel like i have to be perfect all the time. and i never seem to measure up to my own expectations. i wanted to graduate with a 4.0 but my calc proffessor doesn't want that. i know the material in that class, i made a stupid mistake and i am almost certain i lost my "A" because of it. if i drop the class i have wasted my money that i spent all summer working for. i have an A in every other class that i am aware of right now.

i need to work harder. i know i can do better. i don't get much sleep as it is, i need to start prioritizing far better and actually do well in school. i know i can get a 4.0 that stuff has always been so easy for me. i can, and i have to, do better than this.

long time, no see.

i haven't written in here in a long time, and i have recently felt the need. a lot of things have changed since last time i wrote in here. i'm in school at WCU now, and i have a new girlfriend to name a few. but whatever i really wanted to write about today.

We saw Rocky Horror Picture Show last night, it was my second time and i loved it. i dressed in drag and got some great pictures. i started reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" today and got a quarter of the way through. i really like it so far. i probably could have finished it but i had a lot of studying to do so i stopped to do that. i have a chemistry test tomorrow and a calculus test on tuesday and ironically i feel unusually confident about both of them. i studied for the better part of the day today for both and drank a little more than 3/4 of a 2-liter bottle of dr. pepper in less than two hours, so i can't sleep now.

today is one month for abby and i; i really like her. it's crazy to me how someone as incredible as her could fall for a guy like me. it is a big adjustment from my last relationship; we actually get along and i can be totally myself with her without getting criticized or treated like i'm an idiot. she bought me the book i'm reading. i love her and everything she represents. she reminds me a lot of the person i want to be more like: passionate and charismatic, charming and sincere, and breath-takingly beautiful. we are lucky to have each other.

on another note something happened today that inspired some strange feelings in me that i felt compelled to write about:
this morning in the bathroom i saw a bug that looked like a beetle crawling on the window ledge. i didn't want to bug to crawl inside so i flicked it off the windowsill. i thought it had wings but immediately doubted as i watched the unsect plunge out of sight toward the ground. i wasn't even sure the bug died and yet i felt awful about it. a realized as i was peeing that i lived on the third floor and the bug probably hadn't just climbed there if it didn't have wings. however, if it had, i felt even worse because it had probably taken a long time for the bug to get up that high. i gave that up when i realized that bugs probably don't have any sense of accomplishment, and the bug winged or not was probably just looking for it's next meal, where ever that might be.
the moral of this story relates to zen buddhism. my friend Andres got genuinely upset with me the other day when i put a cigarette out on a spider. i am scared to death of spiders and the thought of one less in the world really appealed to me at the time. however, dre's reprimanding reminded me how far i am from where i want to be. i believe the zen philosophy that all living things are somehow related and we must coexist and look out for each other, from the smallest insect to starving children in africa. my total disregard for the life of the spider reminded me that my additude needed changing. All life is endowed by God, and none of God's creations should be taken for granted be it human life or the life of your mutant KFC chicken, or the leaves on the trees out my window that have recently began turning some beautiful colors.

Today was a great day: the best day of my life to this point. it was a gift from God, it was beautiful, i was surrounded by people that love me all day. tomorrow will be better. it always is.

it's been almost a month since my last one of these... i've been busy working. so far since school ended (january 18th) i have put away about $1500 for college. i love both of my jobs. even though i was there by 6:30 this morning and left at 7:30. training the new guy... anyway, i decided on a major, elementary ed. and i know sort of what i would like to do with my life. i want to move to africa and start an educators union, designed to pull third world africa out of disease, poverty, famine, and war (smart people don't kill each other) through education. it's quite a dream, but i don't care. it's fun for me.
anyway, i graduated tuesday, that was cool. now it's official i am done. and i hav to get my paperwork into school asap!

YAY!

west chester honors let me in! uh.. i finally have a fixed car too. but i have to pay the $340 it cost to fix it. i saw abr on saturday, and i am still sore. i am going to see as i lay dying tonight. that will leave me broken. maybe i'll make some more friends. i like friends. i don't have enough. i am trying to start a new band.. we'll see how that goes. it's going to be acoustic and poppy probably. but hell i get to play and sing. which is what i love. and uh assuming i ever am not sick and able to sing again that will be sweet. the metal band isn't progressing much. and i don't think it is going to. plus i'm going to college.. so whatever. mothers day is next week. oh man. what a holiday. anyway i'm out.

bad day

so i thought i didn't work today, again. and i was wrong. i didn't work at the golf course. i was supposed to be at the bakery at 3:30. i was not. fortunately they were over staffed tonight anyway and told me not to come in, but i still feel like an asshole. i also managed to destroy a large portion of my clothing with a tube of chapstick in the washer and dryer. some of it was salvaged thanks to some quick action and stain remover. i feel like an asshole. i was going to go buy some new clothes tonight even though i am poor as dirt. (relatively speaking) however, i'm not allowed to buy clothes on my own, and kendra doesn't get home until at least 7 from d.c. so i am sitting at home on friday night doing nothing. i feel like an asshole. no one is online. no one is free to hang out. everyone is out living their lives, at work or at play, and i am home writing on here about feeling like an asshole. and i am cold. and i don't get the hours i was promised at the golf course. i get a lot. but not enough to quit at the bakery. just enough to make it difficult to remember when i have to be where. this weekend is going to suck. kendra is doing displace me. i'm going to work and church. i'm going to be alone all weekend with nothing to do. ugh i hate the cards i'm being handed. and more so i hate the ones i am handing myself.

happy post?

i decided i need a happy post since the last few have been rather depressing. unfortunately my good mood is the result of a good night and not of a series of good events that would lead to probable future happiness. so i guess i'll go to sleep now. and dream, of what is and what could be, what is possible and what will never be. i need to play acoustic more. more gigs... i am going to get on that.

suicide hotline.

the suicide hotline is on my speed dial. i need help. i'm too afraid to get any. all i really want is someone to talk to. someone to listen to me. it would be nice if it was someone who wasn't a volunteer. i guess i just need to grow up. reality is: no-one really wants to listen to you or hear about your pathetic life. nice guys finish last. if you put yourself out there you will get used and abused. no-one really wants to be your friend unless they get something out of it, or if they don't really have to get to know you that well... haha, but, i must trust that God will get me through. he wouldn't give me more than i can handle. he's cool like that. i need to go to bed. i have to be at the golf course at 8:30 tomorrow.

sucktastic

i hate rainy days. i used to love them. but rain now means no work. no work means no money, and more importantly rain means spending the day at home with the people here (primarily my grandmother), which is almost enough to make me staple my face to train tracks. so i did nothing all day.
i asked about my car, which was a big mistake. apparently i'm just supposed to run it until it stops running. it's not worth fixing, because it's my car, and not of any importance to anyone else. so i said whatever, i'll just pay to have it fixed on my own terms. so i asked where the keys were so i could go pick it up. (it's been sitting in the same place for the last three weeks, and i've been unable to drive it only because it was supposed to be getting fixed) so when i asked for the keys, they decided they were going to fix it again. but on their terms. i doubt i will ever drive that car again. they don't want to buy me a new one, they don't want to fix the one i have, they would rather just let it sit in some parking lot and forget about it, while i drive around their unreliable pos oldsmobile tank. no money out of their pocket, plus then they don't have to worry about the $52 it takes to fill the gas tank of that hunk of garbage.
i think i should just start wrecking their cars. my brother has done it to at least a half dozen of their cars and they always bought him a new one. i could just keep wrecking them until i get one i really like. although i would rather just get the one i have fixed. i almost got into an accident on purpose today. i was coming around a turn at the same time as a tractor trailor was, he was definitely speeding and he was stradling the yellow line, i had enough time to react, but had i just let him hit me... new car! and it would have been his fault. i honestly had to think about it. but he was a lot bigger than me, and he would have hit the driver's side first, and considering our combined speed was probably close to 70 mph, my natural reaction was to swerve of the road. looking back i wish i would have let him hit me.
today i wrote "hair brush" on the grocery list, because i needed one, and i figured the next person who went to the store could easily pick one up and bring it home for me. i know my grandmother needs people to be pretty descriptive, but i thought, "it'a a hair brush, how can you skrew that up?" needless to say i underestimated her. she did get a hair brush at the store, and it doubles as a grill cleaner! it's the kind of brush you wouldn't brush your dog with. unless of course you were punishing him. i don't even know why i try.
a few days ago i rewrote the music for the first song i ever wrote for acoustic guitar. after ward i was like: wow that is a pretty cool song. today i sat down and played it and realized: wow, this song kinda sucks. i continually disappoint myself with my songwriting. i continually disappoint myself for a number of reasons. this week i am going to get a pretty decent sized pay check. and i'm going to use it to better my current position, when i should be saving it for college.
i hate that. i hate that there are still termites in my room, months after i warned about the infestation. i hate that it's like 50 degrees in this house. i hate that i'm 5'10'' and i sleep on a couch that is 5'6'' long. i hate feeling like a second class citizen. i hate having two jobs and still being dirt poor. i hate having no-one to talk to about it. i hate that no-one even reads this. i hate that nothing that is important to me is important to anyone else that claims to "love" me. i hate that people who know almost nothing about me, are better friends and family than my actual friends and family. a hate insomnia, i hate that i am so angry, and i hate hate.

totally lame.

today, was boring. i woke up at 11:00. i had off work, because golfers don't play in the rain... well, not a lot of them. i did spot a couple of the regulars on the 8th green today shortly after i woke up. freaks. i can say that because they never tip me anyway. and half the time they won't even let me do my job. whatever. so i felt like crap all day. for some reason couldn't play double bass at more than 130 bpm - (which is relatively slow for you non-drummers) i got a slight headache too.
i had wt practice today. it was a bit off, and it was partially my fault. we are playing this country song. i hate it. and it's the only fast song we are playing. and i missed a great show tonight. that is also sad.
i wonder a lot. sometimes i wonder if i wonder about too much. i think way too hard about stuff and i get really nervous and i have a feeling i am going to make bad decisions because i am unable to make good judgements. i want to go to WCU but i can't afford it. neither can my dad. i have a feeling that some of the things i've always wanted are going to be far beyond my realm of ability.
i wrote a song today. actually that is not true. i wrote the music for two songs. the first was new music for the first song i ever wrote for acoustic guitar. the second was just something fun that i was messing around with.. i don't think that anyone will ever hear either of them. maybe i'll record one of them. but for now. i need to sleep.

life- the continual learning process

so i guess you learn new things everyday. but these days i seem to be learning more and more things that i could have lived without knowing. i learn about love, and happiness, family, getting stabbed in the back, friendship, qand not just from my own perspective. i'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. i have so many things on my mind, and so little i actually have to do. (get up-go to work-go to bed) i am waiting to hear about so many different things. i still need to file a goddamn fafsa. i'm honestly struggling with thoughts of ending it all. it's sad difficult. the other day i realized that had i not tried as hard in school and spent many nights staying up late working hard to claim that "A" i probably would have ended up in exactly the same position i am now. i would have still gotten into college. i would have slept more, fewer migraines, more fun, same outcome. Good work ethic has no benefits. none. no scholarships, no honors program. except had i not worked hard i wouldn't have felt the let down of attempting at both and failing at both miserably.
i can't afford college. i can't afford a student loan. i plan to make about zero dollars when i get out of college. i want to move to africa. i want to teach kids who's parents don't pay a school district tax because their parents are dead. there is no money. but i won't even get that far considering i can't leave the country with all that debt.
i told kendra i was going to enlist in the armed forces. i'm a pacifist. i hate war, it's stupid and outdated and expensive in money and lives. i told her i wanted to be a medic, i want to save lives not take them. of course it doesn't make a difference to her, i'm still giving up my morals. whatever the hell that means. i just want answers. i just want to see god working in my life like i saw a few weeks ago. i want the sun to come out, the winter weather to disappear, and everything to be perfect. i want a lot of things. i'm selfish. i will never get what i want. kendra is going to break up with me. i'm almost sure of it. i love her, but i don't think she feels it back. she hasn't really been showing it well. not that i expect her to with the way i have been feeling recently. i wouldn't love me either. and i don't. i just pray that this roller coaster of life starts it's way back up soon.

I work too hard.

so i'm working two jobs now, and i'm thinking, hey this is cool i need the money, so this will work out well for the next couple of months anyway. the truth is, however, i'm still broke as stale piss. what is up with that? maybe it has something to do with the fact that i recently loaned a large chunk of money to a friend in need; i hope that is all it is. anyway, tomorrow i work 8-2:30 at the golf course and 2:30-6:30 at the bake shoppe. that should be fun. thursday may be a similar story. but i love it. i'm glad i am making money. although a lot of it goes right back into my gas tank to take me to and from the bake shoppe (almost a half hour drive each way). anyway, i am also very nervous about a letter i was told was in the mail, my acceptance letter to west chester university's honors program. i have a feeling they sent it to my mom, because i wrote her address on my application to the college... since she moved this past week, she may never even see it, but if she does chances are she won't let me know she has it in time for me to send it in anyway. maybe i'll e-mail her, even though i would really rather cut my own face off with a rusty fork than talk to her. oh well.

job

i started a new job today. i like it a lot. i work at a golf course as cart staff. i made $22 in tips today. i was impressed by my skill. it was a gorgeous day which helped. i was beat at the end of the day which sucks, but i'll get used to it. it's going to be a lot of fun when i work 7:30 to 2:30 at the golf course only to then drive over to the bake shoppe by 3:30 and work til 8:30. money is money. and i need it desparately. so bring on the hours. i guess thats all...

i'm sick and tired and totally in love

the title kind of tells it all here. i have had a headache for like a week and a half now off and on. i think it is sinus related. maybe a sinus infection? i'm tired because it is late.. duh.. and about the girl. i'm incredibly lucky, that she ever gave me the time of day. she is more than i could have asked for. i'll stop being sappy. i need to go to bed anyway.

what keeps me up at night.

so i was watching vids on youtube after a friend called me and woke me up from what was to be the earliest night this year, of course i was scanning the news and politics section, especially focused in africa in northern uganda and sudan. it bothered me that people throw around words like "genocide" and use it to describe a horrifying but two sided civil war. one comment that really bothered me was one about how we are fighting a war on terr'r, and if it were truely about oil we have completely neglected a country that has rich in oil (sudan). it just sucks that people don't know what they are talking about. in brief research anyone can tell you that the US produces twice as much oil as sudan, and we use about 3 times what we make each day. on that note we also export more than sudan does. iraq is in a league all its own producing in one day what sudan does in about a week. comparing the two in that way just isn't meaningful... sure sudan has oil... but iraq has a hell of a lot more.
but anyway the point is that there is a lack of education. more and more people are becoming aware of the "fire burning in africa" but there are so many problems,(darfur, the lra, and not to mention aids) and the history of each is so complex it seems almost impossible to find one single way to extinguish it.
and looking at it that way is in fact quite ridiculous. what needs to happen first is education about specific issues, that is detailed enough to be useful, pick a topic that interests you, be it women's rights, disease, poverty, or mortal combat, research it. and it alone, then try to come up with a solution. or better yet educate more people about what specifically concerns you. brainstorm, bounce ideas off of people. together people can accomplish things that would be impossible for indviduals.
for me, i have found my issue. education. there are thousands of kids that are displaced, that have no home, no family, that may even have no hope in uganda. my hope for my future came through education. helping underprivileged kids become doctors,and lawyers, would give them a hope for the future and create more doctors and lawyers of course! maybe one day one of my students will find a cure for aids, or cancer, or war, or find a renewable type of feul that won't create ridiculous and inappropriately named wars that kill more soldiers than any terrorist attack on us soil (including 9/11) has. maybe. but who knows. maybe i am just in need of sleep, and that didn't make sense to anyone but me.

i feel a bit like i am dying. my head hurts. it feels heavy. i don't think sleep will be an issue tonight. i didn't sleep a whole lot last night. i think i'm probably going to call it a night. the earliest one i've called this year by far. 9:27. goodnight.

i hate this house

i didn't move in here. my mother kicked me out when she found out she wasn't going to get any child support money for me. here i live with my father, his parents, my older brother, and one of my two twin younger brothers. this is just a few things that happened this week.

-my older brother walked into my room today where i was playing guitar with a friend, and says to the both of us, "if you ever do coke don't buy it from a guy named herbie something-or-other. he has it so laced with ether i woke up this morning coughing and hacking and i could barely breathe." my brother is unemployed, my grandparents gave him the money he used to buy cocaine. he will be 20 in june. in july i will be 18. in august i will leave for college. in september he will still be here, living in the basement, and probably still unemployed bumming money off my dad and grandparents to fill his gas tank so he can go get plastered with his friends and buy coke from a guy named herbie.
-the other day i caught my 13 year old little brother looking at porn. pages and pages of it. i told him he shouldn't be looking at that stuff, his reply "lucas doesn't care." the real problem: not only does my 20 year old brother know he looks at porn, he condones it.
-my dad is about 48 years old. he might be 49. his mother still does his laundry. i do my laundry at strange hours of the night so that she does not touch my clothes. if you knew her you wouldn't want her touching your clothes either.
-i got a new job this week. exactly what i was looking for; just less than 40 hours a week. $7 an hour-$0.75 more than my other job, plus tips as much as $100 a day if i really work my butt off. my new manager told me to quit my old job. i love that job, i love my managers, and the people that i work with.. i am torn, i don't want to quit but i know i will be scheduled too many hours not to.
-my dad's girlfriend told me today that my grandmother claims to know the "cure" for homosexuality. (apparently it's a disease) if it is anything like the dozens and dozens of pill bottles in the cabinet upstairs that say "this is not approved by the FDA" that she has informed me can cure just about any ailment known to man, (including but not limited to malaria, cancer and AIDS) then i can't say i'm going to try it on any of my friends.
-my room is infested with termites. there are no windows. there is not enough room for a bed so i sleep on a mattress on the floor. i have a bottle of ant/termite killer next to my bed. they don't die instantly like it says on the label. they try to crawl away and slowly and painfully come to a stop a few inches from the puddle of the odorless spray.
-there are four bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms in this house. one more bedroom is being built now next to mine, and two more are scheduled to be built in the downstairs garage, as well as an extra bathroom.
-i'm supposed to get one of the new rooms. if i still have to share a bathroom with my brother, i don't want the new room. as much as my dad says he will try, you can't potty train a 20 year old. you also can't teach him much of anything else about hygiene either.
-i feel out of place, this isn't home. i moved out of my home months ago. the place i grew up. two stories, 14.5 acres with a private stream. only about two miles from here. people with volvo's live there now. then i was in my mom's two bedroom apartment right outside the city. not that i don't love the city, but it was no more home than my dad's house is now. but i'm not welcome in that apartment anymore. i wonder if the volvo people would let me move in...

a lifestyle ruined.

i bought white shoes today. i have nothing else to say.

deprivation and my faith walk.

today was not a complete failure. i applied for a job at the golf course down the street. i hope i get it because i need a second job. i shortly thereafter gave up fast. i was only doing it for moral support for my baha'i girlfriend. i'm not a baha'i. she stopped fasting because of soccer. i stopped fasting because i didn't feel closer to god. i felt ill. and dehydrated. i sleep most of the daylight hours anyway.
i also did some recording today. hopefully i can get a few songs up on the myspace soon.. if anybody ever reads this and knows anything about file sharing over a network and would like to help me move about 150 files from one computer to another on the same network that would be fantastic too. but i doubt enyone will ever read this. on that note, goodbye.

insomnia or hypersomnia

so i decided today... or this morning i suppose.... (it's 3:37 am eastern time) that i should keep a journal... and my life just happens to be so damn interesting that i decided to post it online. that way other people can comment on my crazy thoughts and ideas. and i can also maybe make some other friends with sleep disorders!