life- the continual learning process

so i guess you learn new things everyday. but these days i seem to be learning more and more things that i could have lived without knowing. i learn about love, and happiness, family, getting stabbed in the back, friendship, qand not just from my own perspective. i'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. i have so many things on my mind, and so little i actually have to do. (get up-go to work-go to bed) i am waiting to hear about so many different things. i still need to file a goddamn fafsa. i'm honestly struggling with thoughts of ending it all. it's sad difficult. the other day i realized that had i not tried as hard in school and spent many nights staying up late working hard to claim that "A" i probably would have ended up in exactly the same position i am now. i would have still gotten into college. i would have slept more, fewer migraines, more fun, same outcome. Good work ethic has no benefits. none. no scholarships, no honors program. except had i not worked hard i wouldn't have felt the let down of attempting at both and failing at both miserably.
i can't afford college. i can't afford a student loan. i plan to make about zero dollars when i get out of college. i want to move to africa. i want to teach kids who's parents don't pay a school district tax because their parents are dead. there is no money. but i won't even get that far considering i can't leave the country with all that debt.
i told kendra i was going to enlist in the armed forces. i'm a pacifist. i hate war, it's stupid and outdated and expensive in money and lives. i told her i wanted to be a medic, i want to save lives not take them. of course it doesn't make a difference to her, i'm still giving up my morals. whatever the hell that means. i just want answers. i just want to see god working in my life like i saw a few weeks ago. i want the sun to come out, the winter weather to disappear, and everything to be perfect. i want a lot of things. i'm selfish. i will never get what i want. kendra is going to break up with me. i'm almost sure of it. i love her, but i don't think she feels it back. she hasn't really been showing it well. not that i expect her to with the way i have been feeling recently. i wouldn't love me either. and i don't. i just pray that this roller coaster of life starts it's way back up soon.