calculus

i dropped my calc class yesterday. i feel terrible about it. i feel that i have failed. i may have passed the class but i know i would have never been satisfied with the grade i recieved so i dropped it. i can never satisfy myself, i never work as hard as i know i can, or do as well as i know i can. i feel like a failure. i am a slacker, and i am the only motivation i have, which makes everything tougher.

before i found out i had to drop my calc class i climbed a rock wall. i picked the "hard" side, there were about 6 of us on that side, and a couple of guys got a few feet up and said it was too slippery so i decided i wanted to try. i justed on the wall and started racing upward. about half way up the 50-60 foot wall i started hyperventalating. i was in the corner so nobody could really see me. it took me a minute or two to calm down and i climbed the rest of the way. i was the first to make it. i could have climbed higher.

sometimes i wonder if this is what i am really supposed to be doing with my life. i have been praying a lot about it, and this dropped calculus course seems like God's trying to tell me something. i don't know what to do. if i wasn't planning on becoming a doctor i don't know what i would do. i can't think of anything more meaningful to do with my life than to move to africa and start a children's clinic there, but i need to work hard and do well in school if i ever plan on getting that far. right now i am failing miserably, in terms of calculus anyway.