sucktastic

i hate rainy days. i used to love them. but rain now means no work. no work means no money, and more importantly rain means spending the day at home with the people here (primarily my grandmother), which is almost enough to make me staple my face to train tracks. so i did nothing all day.
i asked about my car, which was a big mistake. apparently i'm just supposed to run it until it stops running. it's not worth fixing, because it's my car, and not of any importance to anyone else. so i said whatever, i'll just pay to have it fixed on my own terms. so i asked where the keys were so i could go pick it up. (it's been sitting in the same place for the last three weeks, and i've been unable to drive it only because it was supposed to be getting fixed) so when i asked for the keys, they decided they were going to fix it again. but on their terms. i doubt i will ever drive that car again. they don't want to buy me a new one, they don't want to fix the one i have, they would rather just let it sit in some parking lot and forget about it, while i drive around their unreliable pos oldsmobile tank. no money out of their pocket, plus then they don't have to worry about the $52 it takes to fill the gas tank of that hunk of garbage.
i think i should just start wrecking their cars. my brother has done it to at least a half dozen of their cars and they always bought him a new one. i could just keep wrecking them until i get one i really like. although i would rather just get the one i have fixed. i almost got into an accident on purpose today. i was coming around a turn at the same time as a tractor trailor was, he was definitely speeding and he was stradling the yellow line, i had enough time to react, but had i just let him hit me... new car! and it would have been his fault. i honestly had to think about it. but he was a lot bigger than me, and he would have hit the driver's side first, and considering our combined speed was probably close to 70 mph, my natural reaction was to swerve of the road. looking back i wish i would have let him hit me.
today i wrote "hair brush" on the grocery list, because i needed one, and i figured the next person who went to the store could easily pick one up and bring it home for me. i know my grandmother needs people to be pretty descriptive, but i thought, "it'a a hair brush, how can you skrew that up?" needless to say i underestimated her. she did get a hair brush at the store, and it doubles as a grill cleaner! it's the kind of brush you wouldn't brush your dog with. unless of course you were punishing him. i don't even know why i try.
a few days ago i rewrote the music for the first song i ever wrote for acoustic guitar. after ward i was like: wow that is a pretty cool song. today i sat down and played it and realized: wow, this song kinda sucks. i continually disappoint myself with my songwriting. i continually disappoint myself for a number of reasons. this week i am going to get a pretty decent sized pay check. and i'm going to use it to better my current position, when i should be saving it for college.
i hate that. i hate that there are still termites in my room, months after i warned about the infestation. i hate that it's like 50 degrees in this house. i hate that i'm 5'10'' and i sleep on a couch that is 5'6'' long. i hate feeling like a second class citizen. i hate having two jobs and still being dirt poor. i hate having no-one to talk to about it. i hate that no-one even reads this. i hate that nothing that is important to me is important to anyone else that claims to "love" me. i hate that people who know almost nothing about me, are better friends and family than my actual friends and family. a hate insomnia, i hate that i am so angry, and i hate hate.