bad day

so i thought i didn't work today, again. and i was wrong. i didn't work at the golf course. i was supposed to be at the bakery at 3:30. i was not. fortunately they were over staffed tonight anyway and told me not to come in, but i still feel like an asshole. i also managed to destroy a large portion of my clothing with a tube of chapstick in the washer and dryer. some of it was salvaged thanks to some quick action and stain remover. i feel like an asshole. i was going to go buy some new clothes tonight even though i am poor as dirt. (relatively speaking) however, i'm not allowed to buy clothes on my own, and kendra doesn't get home until at least 7 from d.c. so i am sitting at home on friday night doing nothing. i feel like an asshole. no one is online. no one is free to hang out. everyone is out living their lives, at work or at play, and i am home writing on here about feeling like an asshole. and i am cold. and i don't get the hours i was promised at the golf course. i get a lot. but not enough to quit at the bakery. just enough to make it difficult to remember when i have to be where. this weekend is going to suck. kendra is doing displace me. i'm going to work and church. i'm going to be alone all weekend with nothing to do. ugh i hate the cards i'm being handed. and more so i hate the ones i am handing myself.

happy post?

i decided i need a happy post since the last few have been rather depressing. unfortunately my good mood is the result of a good night and not of a series of good events that would lead to probable future happiness. so i guess i'll go to sleep now. and dream, of what is and what could be, what is possible and what will never be. i need to play acoustic more. more gigs... i am going to get on that.

suicide hotline.

the suicide hotline is on my speed dial. i need help. i'm too afraid to get any. all i really want is someone to talk to. someone to listen to me. it would be nice if it was someone who wasn't a volunteer. i guess i just need to grow up. reality is: no-one really wants to listen to you or hear about your pathetic life. nice guys finish last. if you put yourself out there you will get used and abused. no-one really wants to be your friend unless they get something out of it, or if they don't really have to get to know you that well... haha, but, i must trust that God will get me through. he wouldn't give me more than i can handle. he's cool like that. i need to go to bed. i have to be at the golf course at 8:30 tomorrow.

sucktastic

i hate rainy days. i used to love them. but rain now means no work. no work means no money, and more importantly rain means spending the day at home with the people here (primarily my grandmother), which is almost enough to make me staple my face to train tracks. so i did nothing all day.
i asked about my car, which was a big mistake. apparently i'm just supposed to run it until it stops running. it's not worth fixing, because it's my car, and not of any importance to anyone else. so i said whatever, i'll just pay to have it fixed on my own terms. so i asked where the keys were so i could go pick it up. (it's been sitting in the same place for the last three weeks, and i've been unable to drive it only because it was supposed to be getting fixed) so when i asked for the keys, they decided they were going to fix it again. but on their terms. i doubt i will ever drive that car again. they don't want to buy me a new one, they don't want to fix the one i have, they would rather just let it sit in some parking lot and forget about it, while i drive around their unreliable pos oldsmobile tank. no money out of their pocket, plus then they don't have to worry about the $52 it takes to fill the gas tank of that hunk of garbage.
i think i should just start wrecking their cars. my brother has done it to at least a half dozen of their cars and they always bought him a new one. i could just keep wrecking them until i get one i really like. although i would rather just get the one i have fixed. i almost got into an accident on purpose today. i was coming around a turn at the same time as a tractor trailor was, he was definitely speeding and he was stradling the yellow line, i had enough time to react, but had i just let him hit me... new car! and it would have been his fault. i honestly had to think about it. but he was a lot bigger than me, and he would have hit the driver's side first, and considering our combined speed was probably close to 70 mph, my natural reaction was to swerve of the road. looking back i wish i would have let him hit me.
today i wrote "hair brush" on the grocery list, because i needed one, and i figured the next person who went to the store could easily pick one up and bring it home for me. i know my grandmother needs people to be pretty descriptive, but i thought, "it'a a hair brush, how can you skrew that up?" needless to say i underestimated her. she did get a hair brush at the store, and it doubles as a grill cleaner! it's the kind of brush you wouldn't brush your dog with. unless of course you were punishing him. i don't even know why i try.
a few days ago i rewrote the music for the first song i ever wrote for acoustic guitar. after ward i was like: wow that is a pretty cool song. today i sat down and played it and realized: wow, this song kinda sucks. i continually disappoint myself with my songwriting. i continually disappoint myself for a number of reasons. this week i am going to get a pretty decent sized pay check. and i'm going to use it to better my current position, when i should be saving it for college.
i hate that. i hate that there are still termites in my room, months after i warned about the infestation. i hate that it's like 50 degrees in this house. i hate that i'm 5'10'' and i sleep on a couch that is 5'6'' long. i hate feeling like a second class citizen. i hate having two jobs and still being dirt poor. i hate having no-one to talk to about it. i hate that no-one even reads this. i hate that nothing that is important to me is important to anyone else that claims to "love" me. i hate that people who know almost nothing about me, are better friends and family than my actual friends and family. a hate insomnia, i hate that i am so angry, and i hate hate.

totally lame.

today, was boring. i woke up at 11:00. i had off work, because golfers don't play in the rain... well, not a lot of them. i did spot a couple of the regulars on the 8th green today shortly after i woke up. freaks. i can say that because they never tip me anyway. and half the time they won't even let me do my job. whatever. so i felt like crap all day. for some reason couldn't play double bass at more than 130 bpm - (which is relatively slow for you non-drummers) i got a slight headache too.
i had wt practice today. it was a bit off, and it was partially my fault. we are playing this country song. i hate it. and it's the only fast song we are playing. and i missed a great show tonight. that is also sad.
i wonder a lot. sometimes i wonder if i wonder about too much. i think way too hard about stuff and i get really nervous and i have a feeling i am going to make bad decisions because i am unable to make good judgements. i want to go to WCU but i can't afford it. neither can my dad. i have a feeling that some of the things i've always wanted are going to be far beyond my realm of ability.
i wrote a song today. actually that is not true. i wrote the music for two songs. the first was new music for the first song i ever wrote for acoustic guitar. the second was just something fun that i was messing around with.. i don't think that anyone will ever hear either of them. maybe i'll record one of them. but for now. i need to sleep.

life- the continual learning process

so i guess you learn new things everyday. but these days i seem to be learning more and more things that i could have lived without knowing. i learn about love, and happiness, family, getting stabbed in the back, friendship, qand not just from my own perspective. i'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. i have so many things on my mind, and so little i actually have to do. (get up-go to work-go to bed) i am waiting to hear about so many different things. i still need to file a goddamn fafsa. i'm honestly struggling with thoughts of ending it all. it's sad difficult. the other day i realized that had i not tried as hard in school and spent many nights staying up late working hard to claim that "A" i probably would have ended up in exactly the same position i am now. i would have still gotten into college. i would have slept more, fewer migraines, more fun, same outcome. Good work ethic has no benefits. none. no scholarships, no honors program. except had i not worked hard i wouldn't have felt the let down of attempting at both and failing at both miserably.
i can't afford college. i can't afford a student loan. i plan to make about zero dollars when i get out of college. i want to move to africa. i want to teach kids who's parents don't pay a school district tax because their parents are dead. there is no money. but i won't even get that far considering i can't leave the country with all that debt.
i told kendra i was going to enlist in the armed forces. i'm a pacifist. i hate war, it's stupid and outdated and expensive in money and lives. i told her i wanted to be a medic, i want to save lives not take them. of course it doesn't make a difference to her, i'm still giving up my morals. whatever the hell that means. i just want answers. i just want to see god working in my life like i saw a few weeks ago. i want the sun to come out, the winter weather to disappear, and everything to be perfect. i want a lot of things. i'm selfish. i will never get what i want. kendra is going to break up with me. i'm almost sure of it. i love her, but i don't think she feels it back. she hasn't really been showing it well. not that i expect her to with the way i have been feeling recently. i wouldn't love me either. and i don't. i just pray that this roller coaster of life starts it's way back up soon.

I work too hard.

so i'm working two jobs now, and i'm thinking, hey this is cool i need the money, so this will work out well for the next couple of months anyway. the truth is, however, i'm still broke as stale piss. what is up with that? maybe it has something to do with the fact that i recently loaned a large chunk of money to a friend in need; i hope that is all it is. anyway, tomorrow i work 8-2:30 at the golf course and 2:30-6:30 at the bake shoppe. that should be fun. thursday may be a similar story. but i love it. i'm glad i am making money. although a lot of it goes right back into my gas tank to take me to and from the bake shoppe (almost a half hour drive each way). anyway, i am also very nervous about a letter i was told was in the mail, my acceptance letter to west chester university's honors program. i have a feeling they sent it to my mom, because i wrote her address on my application to the college... since she moved this past week, she may never even see it, but if she does chances are she won't let me know she has it in time for me to send it in anyway. maybe i'll e-mail her, even though i would really rather cut my own face off with a rusty fork than talk to her. oh well.