Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I'm a Fake.
Abby told me about how wonderful of a person i was just a few minutes ago, and i disagreed. She said something again similar to that and attatched "i wish you believed me" and i would but the truth is i know better. i am just a kid trying really hard to be something that i am not. i'm not a super-hero, i'm not even a very nice guy, i don't like everybody, and i am not a very good student; i'm impatient and afraid and insecure and angry and trying to hide it from everyone including myself. the truth is i'm a total fake. and i am afraid i won't be able to hide it from her forever. i love her dearly, i really do. i don't want her to have to realize the kind of person i am after she is so in love with the person she thinks i am. i need to go to sleep.
Friday, October 26, 2007
calculus
i dropped my calc class yesterday. i feel terrible about it. i feel that i have failed. i may have passed the class but i know i would have never been satisfied with the grade i recieved so i dropped it. i can never satisfy myself, i never work as hard as i know i can, or do as well as i know i can. i feel like a failure. i am a slacker, and i am the only motivation i have, which makes everything tougher.
before i found out i had to drop my calc class i climbed a rock wall. i picked the "hard" side, there were about 6 of us on that side, and a couple of guys got a few feet up and said it was too slippery so i decided i wanted to try. i justed on the wall and started racing upward. about half way up the 50-60 foot wall i started hyperventalating. i was in the corner so nobody could really see me. it took me a minute or two to calm down and i climbed the rest of the way. i was the first to make it. i could have climbed higher.
sometimes i wonder if this is what i am really supposed to be doing with my life. i have been praying a lot about it, and this dropped calculus course seems like God's trying to tell me something. i don't know what to do. if i wasn't planning on becoming a doctor i don't know what i would do. i can't think of anything more meaningful to do with my life than to move to africa and start a children's clinic there, but i need to work hard and do well in school if i ever plan on getting that far. right now i am failing miserably, in terms of calculus anyway.
before i found out i had to drop my calc class i climbed a rock wall. i picked the "hard" side, there were about 6 of us on that side, and a couple of guys got a few feet up and said it was too slippery so i decided i wanted to try. i justed on the wall and started racing upward. about half way up the 50-60 foot wall i started hyperventalating. i was in the corner so nobody could really see me. it took me a minute or two to calm down and i climbed the rest of the way. i was the first to make it. i could have climbed higher.
sometimes i wonder if this is what i am really supposed to be doing with my life. i have been praying a lot about it, and this dropped calculus course seems like God's trying to tell me something. i don't know what to do. if i wasn't planning on becoming a doctor i don't know what i would do. i can't think of anything more meaningful to do with my life than to move to africa and start a children's clinic there, but i need to work hard and do well in school if i ever plan on getting that far. right now i am failing miserably, in terms of calculus anyway.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
errr...
i am waiting for the greatest tea in he world to steep so i can drink it and go to class. i feel awful because i turned my alarm off before abby woke up this morning and she left for class twenty minutes late. and she said she had a mid-term in the class today.
yesterday i was feeling depressed. i didn't do as well as i would have liked on my calc test, and i think that had something to do with it. sometimes i feel like i have to be perfect all the time. and i never seem to measure up to my own expectations. i wanted to graduate with a 4.0 but my calc proffessor doesn't want that. i know the material in that class, i made a stupid mistake and i am almost certain i lost my "A" because of it. if i drop the class i have wasted my money that i spent all summer working for. i have an A in every other class that i am aware of right now.
i need to work harder. i know i can do better. i don't get much sleep as it is, i need to start prioritizing far better and actually do well in school. i know i can get a 4.0 that stuff has always been so easy for me. i can, and i have to, do better than this.
yesterday i was feeling depressed. i didn't do as well as i would have liked on my calc test, and i think that had something to do with it. sometimes i feel like i have to be perfect all the time. and i never seem to measure up to my own expectations. i wanted to graduate with a 4.0 but my calc proffessor doesn't want that. i know the material in that class, i made a stupid mistake and i am almost certain i lost my "A" because of it. if i drop the class i have wasted my money that i spent all summer working for. i have an A in every other class that i am aware of right now.
i need to work harder. i know i can do better. i don't get much sleep as it is, i need to start prioritizing far better and actually do well in school. i know i can get a 4.0 that stuff has always been so easy for me. i can, and i have to, do better than this.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
long time, no see.
i haven't written in here in a long time, and i have recently felt the need. a lot of things have changed since last time i wrote in here. i'm in school at WCU now, and i have a new girlfriend to name a few. but whatever i really wanted to write about today.
We saw Rocky Horror Picture Show last night, it was my second time and i loved it. i dressed in drag and got some great pictures. i started reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" today and got a quarter of the way through. i really like it so far. i probably could have finished it but i had a lot of studying to do so i stopped to do that. i have a chemistry test tomorrow and a calculus test on tuesday and ironically i feel unusually confident about both of them. i studied for the better part of the day today for both and drank a little more than 3/4 of a 2-liter bottle of dr. pepper in less than two hours, so i can't sleep now.
today is one month for abby and i; i really like her. it's crazy to me how someone as incredible as her could fall for a guy like me. it is a big adjustment from my last relationship; we actually get along and i can be totally myself with her without getting criticized or treated like i'm an idiot. she bought me the book i'm reading. i love her and everything she represents. she reminds me a lot of the person i want to be more like: passionate and charismatic, charming and sincere, and breath-takingly beautiful. we are lucky to have each other.
on another note something happened today that inspired some strange feelings in me that i felt compelled to write about:
this morning in the bathroom i saw a bug that looked like a beetle crawling on the window ledge. i didn't want to bug to crawl inside so i flicked it off the windowsill. i thought it had wings but immediately doubted as i watched the unsect plunge out of sight toward the ground. i wasn't even sure the bug died and yet i felt awful about it. a realized as i was peeing that i lived on the third floor and the bug probably hadn't just climbed there if it didn't have wings. however, if it had, i felt even worse because it had probably taken a long time for the bug to get up that high. i gave that up when i realized that bugs probably don't have any sense of accomplishment, and the bug winged or not was probably just looking for it's next meal, where ever that might be.
the moral of this story relates to zen buddhism. my friend Andres got genuinely upset with me the other day when i put a cigarette out on a spider. i am scared to death of spiders and the thought of one less in the world really appealed to me at the time. however, dre's reprimanding reminded me how far i am from where i want to be. i believe the zen philosophy that all living things are somehow related and we must coexist and look out for each other, from the smallest insect to starving children in africa. my total disregard for the life of the spider reminded me that my additude needed changing. All life is endowed by God, and none of God's creations should be taken for granted be it human life or the life of your mutant KFC chicken, or the leaves on the trees out my window that have recently began turning some beautiful colors.
Today was a great day: the best day of my life to this point. it was a gift from God, it was beautiful, i was surrounded by people that love me all day. tomorrow will be better. it always is.
We saw Rocky Horror Picture Show last night, it was my second time and i loved it. i dressed in drag and got some great pictures. i started reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" today and got a quarter of the way through. i really like it so far. i probably could have finished it but i had a lot of studying to do so i stopped to do that. i have a chemistry test tomorrow and a calculus test on tuesday and ironically i feel unusually confident about both of them. i studied for the better part of the day today for both and drank a little more than 3/4 of a 2-liter bottle of dr. pepper in less than two hours, so i can't sleep now.
today is one month for abby and i; i really like her. it's crazy to me how someone as incredible as her could fall for a guy like me. it is a big adjustment from my last relationship; we actually get along and i can be totally myself with her without getting criticized or treated like i'm an idiot. she bought me the book i'm reading. i love her and everything she represents. she reminds me a lot of the person i want to be more like: passionate and charismatic, charming and sincere, and breath-takingly beautiful. we are lucky to have each other.
on another note something happened today that inspired some strange feelings in me that i felt compelled to write about:
this morning in the bathroom i saw a bug that looked like a beetle crawling on the window ledge. i didn't want to bug to crawl inside so i flicked it off the windowsill. i thought it had wings but immediately doubted as i watched the unsect plunge out of sight toward the ground. i wasn't even sure the bug died and yet i felt awful about it. a realized as i was peeing that i lived on the third floor and the bug probably hadn't just climbed there if it didn't have wings. however, if it had, i felt even worse because it had probably taken a long time for the bug to get up that high. i gave that up when i realized that bugs probably don't have any sense of accomplishment, and the bug winged or not was probably just looking for it's next meal, where ever that might be.
the moral of this story relates to zen buddhism. my friend Andres got genuinely upset with me the other day when i put a cigarette out on a spider. i am scared to death of spiders and the thought of one less in the world really appealed to me at the time. however, dre's reprimanding reminded me how far i am from where i want to be. i believe the zen philosophy that all living things are somehow related and we must coexist and look out for each other, from the smallest insect to starving children in africa. my total disregard for the life of the spider reminded me that my additude needed changing. All life is endowed by God, and none of God's creations should be taken for granted be it human life or the life of your mutant KFC chicken, or the leaves on the trees out my window that have recently began turning some beautiful colors.
Today was a great day: the best day of my life to this point. it was a gift from God, it was beautiful, i was surrounded by people that love me all day. tomorrow will be better. it always is.
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