trainwreck.

my head is pounding. i am worried. i'm scared i am upsetting her. i am scared i don't know her as well as i should. i am worried because she doesn't talk to me as much as she should. she doesn't answer me when i ask questions. i feel like she doesn't speak to me almost at all. she says she has no self-esteem. i don't understand but i want to. that's all.

Abigail, and poverty.

i spent the weekend with Abigail at her house. i was nervous about the whole situation, mainly because her parents are far diferent from mine and i thought it would be a source of conflict. i'm accustomed to parents that prety much let me do whatever i want and recognize that i am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. her's aren't quite like that, but we still managed to have a fun and peaceful weekend, and her parents still like me.

on a completely different note, yesterday i realized i have about $150 to my name. i'm trying to void an on campus job because of the time required to spend studying for my major, but i'm pretty sure i'm going to need one. i just don't know where to look. i'm planning on going back to simmon's over the break, but i don't even make minumum wage there so i'm not really excited about working long hours there.

i'm not sure how i'm going to pay for next semester at WCU. i don't have another two-and-a-half grand to throw down from my job. i am trying to sell a lot of guitar and possibly drum equipment. i may sell my half stack and i'm planning to sell the pa, i'm not sure what else i can sell, but i'll probably end up doing it. i have a few more amps sitting around, maybe i'll sell my stereo, some clothes.. i'll find things. either way i think i'm going to have to back out of the canada trip, wihich pisses me off, but whatever, it's life and i can't afford to take that many days off. on that note i retire to my cup of tea.

lacking depth.

right now i feel like i am lacking depth in my relationships with my friends at school. maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that i am still getting to know everybody, or don't know them as well as i have known other friends in the past. i have depth with abby, but that is a different kind of depth.

i noticed it today after we saw a speaker from Oaxaca, Mexico who was talking about the immense poverty and the government's unwillingness to help and tied it into immegration and free trade agreements. We went out for coffee immediately afterward with intentions (so i thought) to discuss the presentation. i opened the discussion and talked for a while about my feelings on the subject... and then... we talked about something else. not about how we could make a difference or about what should or could be done, but something completely unrelated. maybe it is just that i miss the kind of dialogue i used to have with Dave and Kendra, who have both made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with my life.

maybe i just miss the relationship where we can entertain the idea that a few highly motivated individuals can in fact change the world. i believe that. just look at how CEO's of companies like McDonald's, Abercrombie & Fitch, and A&M records have done to what the general population eats, wears and listens to. it's actually quite disgusting. one day i want to change the world, even in a small way, it would be satisfying for me to know that i made a difference. perhaps i just crave substance in my life. i should write a book or something. i probably will someday.

If i did write a book, i wonder if anyone would read it.