This is what happens when gifted kids get bored.

i guess my hat is in the political arena now... oh well.

thats right.

i had something in my mind to write, but now i forget what it was... maybe something about the speech i have to write for tomorrow but haven't yet. maybe about the subject of the speech; three things i hope to accomplish... the only problem is i want to accomplish so many things. i just don't know how i am going to pick three. i think i am going to pick, organizing a peace rally in washington d.c., opening a medical center for AIDS orphans and other children in Africa and either writing a book, running for office, starting a non profit organization of teachers, medical professionals, organic farmers and others for the developement of third world africa. i do not know what to say.

The race to rule the kingdom of fools.

i was thinking for a while recently about changing my major to political science and, seeing my country in a full-speed spiral down the s*** hole and wanting to change it, becoming a politician. my initial concern came from the fact that i'm a bad liar, i don't do cocaine, and i can't(as my hero john lennon put it) "smile as i kill."
after some more serious deliberation over the past month or so i've come to a new consensus. even if i was a politician i would never get elected into office anyway. just consider the current presidential race: the only politican with an upstanding record and moral foothold is Ron Paul and he's not even getting considered as a serious contender. but even paul is not someone i put a large deal of faith behind. i thought about why this is, that all these other sleezy candidates are geting all the votes, and i realized and maybe it was something george carlin said to me last night as i was listening to his complaints and grievances cd. it went something like: the reason politicians suck is because of the system we have in america (refering to education, popular culture, the media) garbage in garbage out, or something to that effect.
but the truth is, there is not some internal flaw i'm missing, the caucases and primaries aren't necessarily (although they may be) subject to voting fraud. the truth is that that i'm the flaw. the typical american citizen is perfectly represented by any one of the candidates in this election, because the typical american is apathetic, and too busy hunting down the american dream and paying off huge loads of cyclic debt, to have time to think for themselves and study something beyond what FOX vomits onto their living room floors each day.
as a friend said to me the other day "some people just don't want to know this stuff." and it's true, americans are so caught up in their 9 to 5's and trying to provide for their families, doped up on perscription drugs, and completely oblivious to real things going on around them, that there is an overwhelming sense of apathy in america..
however i don't believe that the entire population is to blame. i would be willing to bet as much as 40% of the population would be willing to do something about the current state of affairs in the country and educate themselves about it in order to act. but in a democracy (this is a democracy right?? ....well it used to be anyway) in a democracy 40% is not the majority, not even close. people like myself are the minority. most people just don't care. the next president of this once great nation will be representing some really stupid people. i have just about given up my "hope for america" as obama's campaign promises. the people that own this country have it in such a tight grip at this point i don't think it can be reversed. i just hope i can finish my undergrad work here, then i'm off to Canada, and i may never return. my hope for america is that one day i can, and we can prove ourselves a truly great nation by proving democracy can last more than 200 years.

trainwreck.

my head is pounding. i am worried. i'm scared i am upsetting her. i am scared i don't know her as well as i should. i am worried because she doesn't talk to me as much as she should. she doesn't answer me when i ask questions. i feel like she doesn't speak to me almost at all. she says she has no self-esteem. i don't understand but i want to. that's all.

Abigail, and poverty.

i spent the weekend with Abigail at her house. i was nervous about the whole situation, mainly because her parents are far diferent from mine and i thought it would be a source of conflict. i'm accustomed to parents that prety much let me do whatever i want and recognize that i am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. her's aren't quite like that, but we still managed to have a fun and peaceful weekend, and her parents still like me.

on a completely different note, yesterday i realized i have about $150 to my name. i'm trying to void an on campus job because of the time required to spend studying for my major, but i'm pretty sure i'm going to need one. i just don't know where to look. i'm planning on going back to simmon's over the break, but i don't even make minumum wage there so i'm not really excited about working long hours there.

i'm not sure how i'm going to pay for next semester at WCU. i don't have another two-and-a-half grand to throw down from my job. i am trying to sell a lot of guitar and possibly drum equipment. i may sell my half stack and i'm planning to sell the pa, i'm not sure what else i can sell, but i'll probably end up doing it. i have a few more amps sitting around, maybe i'll sell my stereo, some clothes.. i'll find things. either way i think i'm going to have to back out of the canada trip, wihich pisses me off, but whatever, it's life and i can't afford to take that many days off. on that note i retire to my cup of tea.

lacking depth.

right now i feel like i am lacking depth in my relationships with my friends at school. maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that i am still getting to know everybody, or don't know them as well as i have known other friends in the past. i have depth with abby, but that is a different kind of depth.

i noticed it today after we saw a speaker from Oaxaca, Mexico who was talking about the immense poverty and the government's unwillingness to help and tied it into immegration and free trade agreements. We went out for coffee immediately afterward with intentions (so i thought) to discuss the presentation. i opened the discussion and talked for a while about my feelings on the subject... and then... we talked about something else. not about how we could make a difference or about what should or could be done, but something completely unrelated. maybe it is just that i miss the kind of dialogue i used to have with Dave and Kendra, who have both made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with my life.

maybe i just miss the relationship where we can entertain the idea that a few highly motivated individuals can in fact change the world. i believe that. just look at how CEO's of companies like McDonald's, Abercrombie & Fitch, and A&M records have done to what the general population eats, wears and listens to. it's actually quite disgusting. one day i want to change the world, even in a small way, it would be satisfying for me to know that i made a difference. perhaps i just crave substance in my life. i should write a book or something. i probably will someday.

If i did write a book, i wonder if anyone would read it.

I'm a Fake.

Abby told me about how wonderful of a person i was just a few minutes ago, and i disagreed. She said something again similar to that and attatched "i wish you believed me" and i would but the truth is i know better. i am just a kid trying really hard to be something that i am not. i'm not a super-hero, i'm not even a very nice guy, i don't like everybody, and i am not a very good student; i'm impatient and afraid and insecure and angry and trying to hide it from everyone including myself. the truth is i'm a total fake. and i am afraid i won't be able to hide it from her forever. i love her dearly, i really do. i don't want her to have to realize the kind of person i am after she is so in love with the person she thinks i am. i need to go to sleep.